Washington DC—The President’s Table (Satire; Article II)
Obama and Fred: Their Weekly Chat
The Audacity of the Congress
Fred: Let’s talk about the first things first. And there is the attitude of the congress on the budget issue. First I must ask you do they search you for weapon before you enter the East Room?
Obama: I don’t carry a weapon, Fred.
Fred: I understand if you were allowed what would you carry a baseball bat or a pistol?
Obama: None I am not a violent man.
Fred: aren’t you violent, just a little bit?
Obama: I see you are astonished. Just because I am part black do you think I am also violent?
Fred: No; that never entered my mind, so don’t try making a race issue out of this, but now, thinking about it: didn’t you inherit one once of violence from you father? He was from Kenya and they are not the most peaceful people in the world.
Obama: Fred, I only met my father once, when I was 11 years old, I never got to know him, not that I really wanted.
Fred: Another words you did not feel any love or respect for your father the way George W. Bush felt for his father announcing to the world that another reason for going after Saddam Hussein was; his words “Saddam Hussein has got to go, he threatened to harm my Daddy”
Abama: I guess everybody loves somebody. I did not have feelings like that about my father.
Fred: You loved your mother though, but you have written a book about your father but not about your mother.
Obama: At the time I wrote the book I was offered a deal with a good deal of advance. It was for me to write a book about the racial relations in America.
Fred: What do you know about the racial problem in America? You have never lived in a black Ghetto.
Obama: That’s why I turned to write about my father and mother. I made a lot of money from that book.
Fred; Then I don’t have to pay you $300 for each time we have this talk. You said you made a lot of money from the book; you don’t need my little money.
Obama: Listen to me, money and glory has one thing in common; you can never get enough of them. Besides I am frugal.
Fred: Frugal people boast that they are frugal as if it is a virtue but it’s a curse. You may be frugal with your money, but you are not so frugal with the taxpayer’s money.
Obama: You’re right; that’s why I am, having problems with the congress now, being generous with the taxpayer’s money.
Fred: You also created a problem for Arnold Schwarzenegger. You screwed him up for good.
Obama: Me, what did I do?
Fred: Your stimulus program did it all. Arnold was so impressed by you stimulus plan and he was so obsessed with the republicans fighting you about it, thought he was remaking the movie Terminator, came out and stared shooting his mouth at his own party, the Republican, not being smart enough to check the figures that each $20,000 a year job cost the taxpayer $264 and the deal with the clunkers that we allocated $4,000 to every clunker to buy a new car that turned out to cost the Americans over $24,000 each.
Obama: You can’t blame that on me, Fred, it was mismanagement of the allocated money.
Fred: Who is the manager here, Mr. President? Let me finish frying Arnold. So now he is out of politics, he is out of the Kennedy clan; he should thank God, Robert Kennedy is not alive, he would have been Arnold thrown off the Golden Gate Bridge before breakfast. He is also finished with Austria, his mother country. They took his statue down after he allowed the old man to be executed. Another thing that turned me off was, after he made some movies and became famous he set up a table loaded with his pictures at a large shopping center in Long Island, New York and as people went there to see him as reverently as they were going to receive a Holy Communion at a Greek Orthodox church, he handed them his picture and asked them for $50.00 donation, as he put it. The only thing he can do now is to write a book:”101 ways to screw up your life”
Obama: I suppose you are right, the people make their own luck or screw their own lives.
Fred: Who is the people, White Man?
Obama: We are the people.
Fred: Who is we, white man, said Geronimo, talking with cavalry ranking officer, who said “we are going to do this and that”.
Obama: I am one of the “We” I am a subject that can go down, but I am not stupid, I go home every night.
Fred: Bill Clinton didn’t go home every night and look where it got him. Because of Monica Lewinski he makes $150,000 for every speech.
Obama: If it’s true what you say, Monica Lewinski is entitled to some of that dough Clinton makes.
Fred: Let’s go back to your Budget problem that you have with the congress.
Obama: I told them you are “grounded”. I wish I could be like Donald Trump to tell them, “You’re fired”. Furthermore they have the audacity to say to me ‘Obama’s got to step in, “You need to be here.” I’ve been here,” I said to some laughter in the East Room. “I’ve been doing Afghanistan and [Osama] bin Laden and the Greek crisis.”
Fred: When did you say all that? You haven’t been in Afghanistan for ages, you sound as if you were the one who caught bin-Laden. Know this, the Greek crisis is unsolvable by outsiders. You don’t understand Greek mentality: The Italians used to say during the WWII, four Greek soldiers, make up five captains.
Obama: Maybe by what you are saying you are half-right to a certain extend. I have the knowledge of what is going on; I have a way of keeping track and monitoring everything that’s important around the world. I have a way of getting more information than the CIA, the Security Inteligence Team, the Military Reconnaissance, and the entire spy network can give me,
Fred: Which is that way can you tell me?
Obama: Yea, but a little later. It is my secret way. Do you know what is really happening in Afghanistan, Iraq and in Pakistan?
Fred: Not in detail.
Obama: I know it though. Just think for one minute. Since I made the announcement to pull out, the bombings have increased tremendously: do you know why?
Fred: The change of the weather? The position of the moon? The earthquakes in Japan? I don’t know.
Obama: None of the above. They don’t want us to pull out. Understand, that the reason we are there is to keep peace. The Taliban the al-Qaeda are there to make money and be supported by foreign aid for fighting the Americans. Once we leave they have nobody to fight and their foreign aid will stop. Insurgents will go back home, the al-Qaeda will disassemble and the Taliban will be eaten alive by the citizens. They are using us like we used bin-Laden. We created him to be notable and important the last six years, and he was nothing of the kind. It was an excuse for us to be in Afghanistan, excuse for our voters. It started with Bush and Cheney. We have to deal with the same thing in Iraq. Once we leave, how is al-Sadr will be able to gather up to 700,000 Iraqis to protest and threaten the Americans. He creates all that commotion to show them his strength, but in essence he needs us to continue making a name for himself. Once we leave he goes back to being nothing, as nothing as he was before 2003 when we entered Iraq.
Fred: I understand. I also know that Bush and Cheney created a monster. THE ARABS ARE COMING THE ARABS ARE COMING and the people reelected them. You are using the same tactics to be reelected. You killed the monster bin-Laden and bin-Laden was nothing on May 2, 2011
OBAMA: Let us talk about Greece, which is another dilemma.
Fred: The Greeks need money and the Jews have money and they need a friend in Europe. Look what has happened. The Greeks stopped the ship “The Audacity of Hope” going to Gaza. Jews don’t have one single friend except us. The Greeks and the Jews are the same in many ways. They are not patriots they are patronizers. They are takers. In fact when the Greeks were the troops of occupation in Babylonia and Assyria and Israel, the Jews picked up a lot of their thinking. One more thing I must add; if Greeks and Israelis get tied, Greece is not going to a very safe place to live. The anti-Jewish terrorists will have a field day, I hope the Greeks will realize that, and are not fooled by the Jews. I hope they are not stupid. But Carl Samberg, the poet wrote in his book “THE PEOPLE YES” it takes three Jews to outsmart a Greek, what worries me the most is the fact that many smart people make stupid mistakes. I come to think that Prime Minister George Papandreou is the same piece of nothing like his father was. His father was the reason for Junda to take over 1967. He finally came back and started playing games again; he tried to play a game with Russians and Americans. One time he was with Americans and another time he turned to Russians, but neither Russia nor America had any enemies, like Israel has the Islam hardliners. Talking about Arab Awakening and Anarchy this will be Arab Rabies. Greeks should know that the biggest problems America has with Islam is because of the relationship with Israel. The Brotherhood of Islam is nothing but Animals looking like humans. If Greece and Israel become friends to a great extend Greece, having broken ties with turkey little while back, the face of Europe will change for the worse. so Mr. President do something about it, if you can. Remember this: Israelis and Muslims have one hope, wish and prayer and that is to control the world. So you can jerk their reins until they lose some teeth and the whole world will be behind you because none of them has a friend to buy them lunch if they were starving to death.
Obama: Do you think that will straiten them out?
Fred: Then I would go to plan “B”. I would say to Israel, “look Israel straiten your out yourself, because I’ll pull away from you and you place yourself at the door steps of some church looking for a b mother. You Muslims listen to this, I’ll stop buying oil from you and you will be planting rice and picking cotton for a piece of bread and you Iran, learn how to swim because I’ll make a lake out of your country. Israel, Muslims hard liners and Iran make up the “Devil’s Triangle”. Break up the triangle, Mr. President.
Obama: I don’t know if I should laugh or think it over seriously.
Fred: It’s your job. I call everything a spade to spade, pardon my expression.
Obama: That’s fine. I am neither white nor black, I am a half-breed. I have already taken steps to remedy the situation with the Israelis there.
Fred: Now tell me your secret way of learning everything
Obama: It’s the TV. I am watching TV all day long. I watch every station except the Fox News of course. That is my secret.
Fred: You are watching TV and you can monitor from watching TV? Amazing. Not only amazing but it’s also unthinkable.
Obama: I don’t simply watch TV but I think, think, think and analyze and I make some inquiries and I get some answers. According to Ralph Waldo Emerson, the American philosopher “Thought is the seed for action”. Thinking and rethinking about the congress attitude in this case of Budget I come to think about your question Which weapon do I prefer a baseball bet or a pistol to enter the congress room. My answer is a baseball bat and I would like to act like Robert DeNiro played in the Untouchables as Al Capone: when he walked around the long dinner table, holding a baseball bat listening to his men bickering, he clobbered one on the head; the bad guy. The rest became like the three blind monkeys, saw no evil heard no evil spoke no evil. But I am not a man of violence.
Fred: I agree with everything you have said but your saying you are not a man of violence is not correct. You are a man of violence. You tell me that you are not violent and I say you are violent. You are not violent because of your ancestry, your are not violent because of the color of your skin, you are not violent because your mother was as white as milk and your father was as black as tar and you didn’t know which way to turn, you are violent because you are a politician and most politicians are like predators they kill to live. A few months after your election you sent 30, 000 troops in Afghanistan, Why? You sent them there to teach al-Qaeda and the Taliban how to make pizza? You are a soldier of violence, Mr. President. The only difference is, the soldier kills with the swinging of his sword and the politician kills with the stroke of his pen.
Obama: Fred, “It is a war. I sent 30,000 troops into war to save lives. War is not a polite and recreational event but the vilest thing in life. It sometimes looks as the favorite of the idle and frivolous politicians who go at war but not in the war. Napoleon, after the battle of Borodino, against the Russians, in the year of 1812, his troops having killed thousands, he went into the dining room, he sat on a comfortable chair, he ate well, he drank well and he burped loud and well and said his conscious was clear. Having a side arm, he said, during the battle, his side arm never left its holster; he did not fire at anyone, nor kill anyone.
Fred: Mr. President, you better watch out, you may lose your first place as the worst president and you’re going to have to beat the best president, because you said if you can’t be the best your next choice is to be the worse.
Obama: Who is the best president?
Fred: I’ll tell you next week. “Read my lips,” he will be hard to beat, so continue doing what you have been doing to keep your present place; the number one worse president.
Obama: What shall I do?
Fred: Come up with another stimulus plan, that’ll do it. You have done a good job in screwing up Arnold, this time try Sara Palin she is a heavy baggage too, like Arnold was, for the poor Republicans to carry; light up their load they may win this time. Keep up your TV watching, Mr. President. That’s how you picked up on Anita Dunn, seeing her and hearing her on TV saying that her hero in life was Mao. Your advisers did not mention anything of the kind.
Obama: “Read my lips”, next week when we meet again, I’ll pay you back.
Fred: I don’t see how; I am never on TV.
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