The Barefoot Evangelist: (Book; Part VI)
The big angry man
“No, I am not. Don’t you know that we all are the children of God,” he said, pretending to be rather offended.
She immediately accepted his explanation and exhaled a deep sigh, indicating that she was relieved and glad to learn that he was not crazy.
“But if I were Jesus I would have changed many things,” said Erik.
“What would you have changed if you were Jesus?” she asked
That question was posed the same instant Erik turned to monitor the big man who was still, preening, bragging and showing signs of greatness and strength. Erik heard the question and turned to face her and answered, “I would not have gone off barefoot and hungry to preach to the sinners and faithless new ideas of God’s existence. I would have ridden a beautiful white Arabian horse saddled by a hand made English saddle with silver spikes and buttons to show success. People listen a lot more to a successful man than to a barefoot one. If I were Jesus Ι would had squeezed the whole world into a knot declaring that I was holding the keys to heaven and anyone who listened to me would see heaven the rest would go to hell, I would never stand still and accept insults from the Sadducees and the Pharisees, I would had tightened their stitches until they were blue in the face. That is I, my dear lady, white horse and a long whip.”
“What do you mean by tightening their stitches?” “Stitches are the clothes they were wearing.” “White horse? Is that the reason you are wearing white boots?”
“Oh, the boots,” he said, looking at them with a smile. “I read somewhere a long time ago, that men with a high IQ wear white boots. I just want to let that people know that a man with a high IQ is coming. ” “Do you believe that you are a genius?” “It doesn’t matter what I believe, it matters what the others believe. Look at the money changers of today or the movers and the shakers. They all wear expensive suits and neckties to match to impress the people, and most of them believe what they show. Ralph Waldo Emerson the American philosopher said, ‘A man is what he thinks he is all day long.’” “I see you are very awake and smart, does that happen everyday or once in a while?” asked the young lady. “Oh, I have my good and bad days like most people, but I must be careful not to become overconfident on my good days. Becoming overconfident though, makes me thoughtless and awkward with my sayings and deeds. That almost happened one minute before you appeared. I must warn you, if something like this takes place you must keep your distance from me,” said Erik seriously. “I am sorry to say that makes no sense to me.” “Listen to me, there is a man in here whom I hate for an unknown reason and I was about to go to him…” “Squeeze his stitches?” “I am serious, I was about to do away with him.”
“I must admit that makes a lot of sense,” she said, keeping up with his warped sense of reasoning. “Let me ask you another question. Did they have white Arabian horses and English saddles in the days of Jesus?” she asked.
Erik paused and let out a satirical smile and said, “First you must understand that what I said was a sardonic statement and you are not to take everything literally, second the answer to you question is yes. Herod Antipas the son of Herod the Great and the tetrarch of Galillee, the one who delivered the head of John the Baptist to Salome, had one hundred white Arabian horses, and according to him, those horses could do anything except make a goat cheese omelet. As far as English saddles; England was a trading partner with most of the European countries, and many Romans had English saddles, because England had the best leather possessing centers in Europe, further more the Celtics were in Rome as Caesar’s guests. In fact they brought down the first trousers called pantaloons, which they wore under their togas. Their horses were saddled with beautiful English saddles.”
“Do you believe that Jesus roamed around barefoot and hungry?” she asked.
“Of course not; according to the Holy Bible and other writings, three women supported Jesus’ ministries; Maria Magdalene, Joanna and Irene. If Jesus lived in poverty, did these women contributed to his poverty? But most Christian fathers who govern the church made up that story so their priests would not demand high salaries and become accustomed to high living. But I am not certain if he did ride a white Arabian horse,” he returned with a certain affirmative air.
“I see, you deserve wearing the white boots. What else would you do if you were Jesus now?”
“The first thing I would do would be to move Rome near Lago De Como at the foot of the Alps. Then I would transfer Pope to Brazil and built a Vatican there near a river. One, to get away from the filthy Tiber river and two to provide plenty of parking space, which is impossible to find one near the Vatican now, then I would legalize polygamy for both men and women. Do you know sex is good for your health?’ he asked
“No, I did not know that.”
“Why is it that more men and women die after the age of seventy? That is when most of them stop having sex. The main reason we are put here on earth is to have babies. When we stop trying to have babies and after having raised the young ones, God does not need us here on earth anymore so he takes us away. Like I have always said “the moment we stop trying to be better we are no longer good. Having children is our main mission. Listen to this! Statistically speaking, women who are having children late in life live longer. They are allowed to stay here on earth to raise the children. That is another evidence of God’s existence.”
“Looking at you, cowboy, I don’t think God is ready to take you.”
“Does that show on my face, that much? If it does, I am only trying to convince God. that I’m still pursuing the main reason I was sent down here.”
“You surprise the hell out of me, Jesus. I said that I found you to be a man with common sense and a man with sense of humor and now I must add that you are also a horny man.”
“You mentioned common sense before. Common sense, according to my book, only means that I sense what common folks are sensing,” he said
“Oh, no,” said the young woman. “There is nothing common about you, from your white boots to your dark curly hair. Let’s make it horse sense then,” she replied with a smile
“I will take that as a complement,” said Erik, and turning around to see the crowd, his eyes again fell upon the big man who was now standing so close to Erik, he was blocking his view. He then turned and faced the woman once again and smiled as if he were ready to utter something humorous.
“There is something else that I would like to add about women,” he said.
“Something chauvinistic, I am sure.”
“On the contrary; please understand I am not a male chauvinist pig, I love women but God doesn’t like them as much as he likes men; He more or less punishes them more than he does men.”
“How?”
“He lets most of them to live as widows for the last ten years of their life. There is no worse punishment than living widowed. Furthermore, I think a man and his wife meet in the other side after they both die, that is why He takes the men early for them to rest and relax away from the woman’s nagging.”
“I thought you said that He takes them away first to punish the women?”
“That is also true. You see, God likes to kill two birds with one stone.”
“Do those thoughts come to you or you read about them in some strange books?”
“They come to me. I do hear voices though.”
“What kind of voices? They come from up above?”
“No. They’re not voices from up above or anything like that; I hear myself telling people my thoughts and I see people listening to me while I talk and I enjoy hearing and seeing; is that strange?”
“No,” replied the young woman. “I think that happens to everybody, but very few think about it, I must confess.”
Erik fell into his previous mood; he became silent and couldn’t help from listening to the big man who had stationed himself behind Erik, speaking of silly ideas of honor, courage and fair play. At this point the big man went on, grabbed a young woman from her male friend’s side, kissed hard on the mouth and turned to advertise himself to the few who stood around him, as an authority on intelligence, skills and good manners and some more words and phrases were told on the same subject. That audacity and bragging infuriated Erik the more. The more he listened the stronger his hate grew and he now was hoping for the big man to notice him and say something derogatory. Erik was determined to harm him.
Erik, seeing that man’s audacity and hearing him speaking of an academy he graduated with honors, and according to what he was saying, it was not that he had hit the books, but because the instructors knew and saw that he was gifted by nature with many talents and capabilities. It was a matter of wonder why Erik felt so much contempt for a single man who had done nothing to harm him.
“Talking about confessions, I hate this loud mouth bastard who is standing behind me,” said Erik to the young woman, “He is the man I mentioned that I hate. Before you came here, I was getting ready to go and stand in front of him and tell him to shut up and sit down; just for the hell of it. His whole presence annoys the hell out of me.”
“But there are a lot more who behave the same way as he does,” said the young woman.
“To me, he is as annoying as a leaky faucet. One thousand drops of rain trickling down my window don’t bother me as much as one leaky faucet. ”
“Oh, no, you sound serious,” she interjected, covering her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. “Do you know what he is? He is an animal. He is a wild animal, so stop thinking of him. You can tell by looking at his withered and haggard face that he has lived under varieties of weather and conditions. His closest friends have told others that he has wild fits of desperation, and sometimes if things don’t go his way he bites his hands until they bleed.”
“For some unexplainable reason, I sensed something like that about him the moment I laid my eyes on him. So, I don’t care if he eats up a cousin a week and cuts up his, pardon my expression, testicles with a straight razor. That leaky faucet needs to be shut up.”
“No offense intended, you speak with an accent; do you mean shot as in shooting or shut as in closing?”
“Come to think both, and I can do both,” declared Erik, coolly.
“Did you say that this one of your good days?” asked the young woman sarcastically.
“I am sorry. I just had an argument with my wife. She took my son and left home,” said Erik.
“I am sorry about your domestic problems. Sometimes I think I am lucky for not having a mate in my life,” mumbled the young woman. “Is this why you want to pick a fight with the big man, to vent out your anger? Who are you, anyway? I am talking to you for quite a while now and I haven’t yet been able to figure you out and I consider myself of being a good judge of character.” “Here we are,” returned Erik, “two strangers meet at a bar. You are trying to rule out the fact that I am not crazy and I am trying to rule out that you are not a whore.” “Well. I am not a whore.” “Well, I am not crazy,” he responded firmly. “What do you mean who I am?” replied Erik with a touch of annoyance, “I am a man who believes in the miracle of love, the phenomenon of birth, I am a man who believes in the mystery of God, the anonymity of death; I am man who dreads and loves the unexpected, I am a man who likes to light up the world with humor, I feel for the poor and envy the rich, I loath the middle class, which is looking up and worshiping the rich and disregarding the existence of the needy.” There he stopped for a long moment and looked hard into the young woman’s eyes and said in a deep voice with clenched teeth, “I am a man who is favoring revenge when the will of God fails to respond and the hand of man could not bring justice and remedy the unfair.” There he stopped again for a moment and the young lady looked at him and saw a vague smile appearing on his face.
“I am a man,” he continued, “who dislikes dogs and cats, can’t handle wire hangers and hates anything wrapped in plastic. That is who I am.”
“Wrapped in plastic, you said?”
“Yes. Have you tried to unwrap anything that is dressed in plastic? You have to have a knife or a gun to open it”
“In my eyes,” she returned, holding back a smile, “you are still normal, even if you want to relocate the pope to Brazil and move Rome near Lago De Como” she said, nodding her head slowly up and down.
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